Set ups (You don’t have to be single, just gaijin)
When I came to Japan, I was told that while our male counterparts would be swamped with female attention, we lady gaijin were considered evil ball-busters doomed to live a life of loneliness in the land of the rising sun. Why then, does it seem that everyone in my small community is desperate to set me up? Not just the regular I’m-drunk-let-me-get-you-a-taxi-by-the-way-would-you-mind-if-I-molested-you type situations, but that annoying, precious meddling that’s all the more complicated to get out of.
Recently, a good Japanese friend of mine sent me a message requesting I meet with the son of one of her coworkers. Apparently his little sister is one of my students (already a warning sign) and had told him all about me. This, according to my friend, caused him great interest, and he earnestly sought to be my ‘special friend’, complete with suspicious winking emoticons.
As you can imagine, all kinds of warning bells are going off in my head, but not wanting to offend my friend, I message her back asking for more information. Who is this guy? What are his motives exactly? I tell her I’m not exactly keen on meeting some mysterious young man with an unknown agenda.
Not to worry, she reassures me. He’s not a threat. He’s a highschool student, is very cute, and to put my mind at ease, he’ll be accompanied by his mother. So could I please meet him?
What the ghey.
Not only am I being set up, but it’s on a chaperoned date with a highschool student.
But I’m an optimistic gal. Most people that extend the hand of friendship to gaijin are only interested in free English lessons. The entrance exams are coming up, so I figure he just wants to brush up a little. Having convinced myself I’m not in danger, I reluctantly agree to meet him.
The day rolls around and so do I, spotting what I can only assume to be the fated parent and child in the lobby of the community centre. My bright disposition sparks a struggling conversation, asking the student some standard English textbook questions to gauge his ability. He drops a few comments in Japanese about my high spirits and cuteness (riiiiiiiggght…) but I let them slide because it’s very common for Japanese folks to make compliments when they can’t think of anything to say. Attempting to suss out the real motive here, I ask the boy if he’s interested in English. I have to admit I’m surprised by his answer. Actually, he doesn’t really like English at all. Oh, but you must have to study it for the exams right? Well, no, he admits, he doesn’t need much English because he’s aiming for a science major. So right now I’m wondering why exactly we’re all here.
That’s when his tiny, reserved-looking mother speaks up, wanting to know what I think of Japanese men. I actually get asked this question a lot, and my standard response is that they’re skinny, with pretty faces and big hair (which the student seems to mistake for a compliment, ‘like me? My pretty face?’). In the face of the awkward laughter that follows, his mother does something unprecedented. She instructs her son to remove his jacket, which of course he does obediently (you’d have to be crazy to refuse an order from a woman only years away from a devastating oba-chan-hood). I must admit, he’s well-dressed for a 17-year-old. She then proceeds to put my hand on his bicep. ‘Flex it, son’.
This is about the wrongest situation I can imagine right now. I’m expecting the Japanese candid camera crew to leap out and catch a pink-haired white girl in the act of feeling up a student’s manly muscles while his mother watches and occasional offers advice. This is probably going to air the following evening, complete with giant subtitles for everything I say and the inset faces of several inane Japanese celebrities laughing at my gaijin tomfoolery.
I’m really not sure what to say as this sweet young lad happily flexes his (giant, due to his position on the kendo club) biceps beneath my grip. When in doubt in Japan, be excessively polite. ‘Wow, it’s big, and really hard’ (stop laughing. I just thanked the sweet Lord above that he didn’t understand enough English to make a euphemism of my remark). Then for good measure, I punched him really hard in the arm, hoping that gaijin ball-buster stereotype I mentioned might scare him a little. Evidently not.
The conversation progresses slowly, littered with compliments about my cuteness and subtle hints about dating and what a good couple we’d make, from both the boy and his mother. I can’t believe this has been going on for over an hour. Ok, it’s time to put my foot down. I make an obvious gesture with my hand in order to flash my beloved CockBlock Ring™, and start talking about my boyfriend back in Australia, how wonderful he is, and how much I want him, I need him, oh baby oh baby (those that know me will know just how much truth there is in this). Unfortunately, this only serves to assure the lad that my current loneliness necessitates a Japanese boyfriend, and renews his attempt to set up a date.
Finally, after over 90 minutes, I make an excuse and head off, trying to make sense of this delightful new situation. I can tell this one’s only going to get worse. And I wonder just how long it’ll be before his little sister spread the word at the junior high school about our imminent engagement.
Recently, a good Japanese friend of mine sent me a message requesting I meet with the son of one of her coworkers. Apparently his little sister is one of my students (already a warning sign) and had told him all about me. This, according to my friend, caused him great interest, and he earnestly sought to be my ‘special friend’, complete with suspicious winking emoticons.
As you can imagine, all kinds of warning bells are going off in my head, but not wanting to offend my friend, I message her back asking for more information. Who is this guy? What are his motives exactly? I tell her I’m not exactly keen on meeting some mysterious young man with an unknown agenda.
Not to worry, she reassures me. He’s not a threat. He’s a highschool student, is very cute, and to put my mind at ease, he’ll be accompanied by his mother. So could I please meet him?
What the ghey.
Not only am I being set up, but it’s on a chaperoned date with a highschool student.
But I’m an optimistic gal. Most people that extend the hand of friendship to gaijin are only interested in free English lessons. The entrance exams are coming up, so I figure he just wants to brush up a little. Having convinced myself I’m not in danger, I reluctantly agree to meet him.
The day rolls around and so do I, spotting what I can only assume to be the fated parent and child in the lobby of the community centre. My bright disposition sparks a struggling conversation, asking the student some standard English textbook questions to gauge his ability. He drops a few comments in Japanese about my high spirits and cuteness (riiiiiiiggght…) but I let them slide because it’s very common for Japanese folks to make compliments when they can’t think of anything to say. Attempting to suss out the real motive here, I ask the boy if he’s interested in English. I have to admit I’m surprised by his answer. Actually, he doesn’t really like English at all. Oh, but you must have to study it for the exams right? Well, no, he admits, he doesn’t need much English because he’s aiming for a science major. So right now I’m wondering why exactly we’re all here.
That’s when his tiny, reserved-looking mother speaks up, wanting to know what I think of Japanese men. I actually get asked this question a lot, and my standard response is that they’re skinny, with pretty faces and big hair (which the student seems to mistake for a compliment, ‘like me? My pretty face?’). In the face of the awkward laughter that follows, his mother does something unprecedented. She instructs her son to remove his jacket, which of course he does obediently (you’d have to be crazy to refuse an order from a woman only years away from a devastating oba-chan-hood). I must admit, he’s well-dressed for a 17-year-old. She then proceeds to put my hand on his bicep. ‘Flex it, son’.
This is about the wrongest situation I can imagine right now. I’m expecting the Japanese candid camera crew to leap out and catch a pink-haired white girl in the act of feeling up a student’s manly muscles while his mother watches and occasional offers advice. This is probably going to air the following evening, complete with giant subtitles for everything I say and the inset faces of several inane Japanese celebrities laughing at my gaijin tomfoolery.
I’m really not sure what to say as this sweet young lad happily flexes his (giant, due to his position on the kendo club) biceps beneath my grip. When in doubt in Japan, be excessively polite. ‘Wow, it’s big, and really hard’ (stop laughing. I just thanked the sweet Lord above that he didn’t understand enough English to make a euphemism of my remark). Then for good measure, I punched him really hard in the arm, hoping that gaijin ball-buster stereotype I mentioned might scare him a little. Evidently not.
The conversation progresses slowly, littered with compliments about my cuteness and subtle hints about dating and what a good couple we’d make, from both the boy and his mother. I can’t believe this has been going on for over an hour. Ok, it’s time to put my foot down. I make an obvious gesture with my hand in order to flash my beloved CockBlock Ring™, and start talking about my boyfriend back in Australia, how wonderful he is, and how much I want him, I need him, oh baby oh baby (those that know me will know just how much truth there is in this). Unfortunately, this only serves to assure the lad that my current loneliness necessitates a Japanese boyfriend, and renews his attempt to set up a date.
Finally, after over 90 minutes, I make an excuse and head off, trying to make sense of this delightful new situation. I can tell this one’s only going to get worse. And I wonder just how long it’ll be before his little sister spread the word at the junior high school about our imminent engagement.
I think it might be time for you to confess that you're DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH OHNO. You can't possibly date another Japanese boy when you know that Ohno is out there, waiting for you... Or you could say Jun. It's not like everyone isn't desperately in love with him. Just say that you're in love with him and couldn't possibly date anyone else because you know that he's the one you want. ^_~
Posted by Zedstar | 7:47 PM
I'll lend you sorrell
seeing as I can't annoy him someone has to.
find out where the boy is going to be one day and drag sorrell around the area in fully rabu rabu style linking arms and being girly
you're awesome so it's ok
XD
I'm cool
I'm setting you up with my OWN boyfriend XD
Posted by Kitsune | 9:24 PM
*lmao*
That's AWESOME~~~ XD
Well... not really, that they set you up against your will, but the fact that the mother was there, and she actively convinced her son to show you his muscles was hilarious!!!!
Posted by crystalline | 2:08 PM